i wish they said yes.

i woke up quite early today. my alarm clock said it was 8:04, but i think it's wrong because it was flashing. i looked out my window, and felt the coldness of the slate coloured sky and the emptiness of the branches of deciduous trees. winter is coming. that means i'll probably get really sad. i'll start to dislike things about myself, about my job, about my friends and family.

i think that's normal. i think other people feel that way too.

i guess what i want to talk about is feeling, not emotion or anything, but the actual form of feeling for something. an example from my own life happened yesterday, i was in the bathroom, before work, and i was staring into my own eyes in the mirror. I was exploring the hues and vibrancy of the brown in the iris of my eyes. i thought it looked like space, and that it was beautiful. i suppose all eyes are really... But then my mind drifted, away from my iris and into a conversation i'd had the other day. i thought about how i felt when they said things to me, and how they felt when i said things to them. i probed more deeply in this internal dialogue, and found that i had found my actions selfish, and theirs also. i thought a bit more and discovered that if only we had both felt for eachother, the end result would have meant a lot more understanding, and happiness for both of us.

Here, I sat down on the toilet, and put my head in my hands. I started to think of all the times i hadn't felt for someone else, and how i hadn't felt for my own self. I realized, quite suddenly, and with a wave of nausea, that not examining the consequences of every action, is paramount to self-destruction. It's a slippery slope. If we become ignorant to any facet of our lives, we become ignorant about the furthering of ourselves.

i think.

maybe i should just do my homework, and live in montreal, and find a boyfriend.

but maybe these are jut things i say because i don't want to deal with having a bit more empathy, i don't want to deal with the lack of feeling i have in my own life.

basically i need to care more.


so today i decided to grow flax sprouts, and write my book review, because i 'felt' like it would be better for me. I downloaded new music, and i smoked less ciggarettes.

Maybe this is change?

maybe it's just a phase.